you know, i am not a vegetarian, but i don’t think i’ve ever thought about eating turtles, not even a little bit, because how could you eat this animal? it pretty much just sits there and does not bother anyone. plus, they have the ability to craft their own natural defense mechanisms, out of rubber bands and tin foil. how could you cut up and cook and eat that ability? i couldn’t.
plus i heard they are tough and hard to cook correctly. so, turtle, you shall live to see another day.
i used to like making collages. i used to waste hours and hours at work making collages on the photocopier, wasting valuable toner and paper, but more importantly, wasting time that i was paid for. i always thought it was awesome how before 5:00, the goal is to move as slowly as possible and spend as much time doing things as you can, and after 5:00, GET HOME AS SOON AS POSSIBLE. GET. HOME. YOU. ARE. WASTING. VALUABLE. TELEVISION. TIME. DUCK. TALES. IS. ALMOST. OVER. i used to work in a place called “dublin” which is a suburb of columbus, and it is mind-bogglingly intense. you wouldn’t think a little suburb with office buildings and carefully manicured lawns and rich families would be so insane. haha, just kidding, of course you would think that. that is the first thing that you would probably think, actually.
before 4:30 (okay, so I never stayed until 5 at work, because screw that) the roads are relatively calm. but as soon as the clock hits maybe 4:29, the roads get instantly clogged with sport vehicles and minivans, people just racing each other to get home. these office dudes and career ladies seriously race down these tiny office-park roads at 50 miles an hour and cut each other off so they can race down the interstate some more. it is the dumbest thing ever. when they get home they are just gonna yell at their family and watch television. sometimes i tried yelling at them, “YOU CAN BUY DUCK TALES ON DVD. JUST GO HOME SLOWER” but you know how it is.
fun fact: you don’t have to wash your pants very often. no one notices if you dont. it’s true. you really don’t have to wash your pants. i once had a job for six months and i wore the same pair of pants the whole time. they were just black flat-front pants. i might have washed them a couple of times, but, you know, maybe not. whenever you do something like that, there is always an internal reasoning, and usually, it’s like “hey, pay me more, and then i’ll wash my pants.”
or “if you pay me more, i won’t take two-hour lunch breaks and forget to note it on my time card.” or “if you pay me more, i won’t tip off stockholders that the company is falling way short of expected earnings, causing your stock price to plummet.” you know, stuff like that. you can usually justify anything with this mechanism. especially if you work for apple, who made thirty billion dollars (NOT A TYPO OR EXAGGERATION) last quarter. if i worked for them, i’d be walking around with my shirt off, crapping in the hallway, and charging bentleys to my corporate card, explaining it with “hey, you made thirty billion bucks in the past three months. pay me more and i’ll stop crapping in the hallway and put my shirt back on.”
what about the bentley? well, you guys made thirty billion bucks last quarter, so i’m keeping the bentley, you dicks.
i want to go out of this world the way I came in, fat and squinty. i will just sum this one up by saying that the worst thing in the world is an ugly baby. well, actually, that’s close. the worst thing in the world is an ugly baby who won’t stop crapping in the hallway until you pay it more.